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Free Calming Techniques

Thu, 03 Mar 2022 08:57:27 GMT

FREE Calming Techniques

If you find yourself needing some calming and relaxation - when things feel out of control, why not try some of these techniques.

The Head and Heart Technique

Adapted from the techniques available by the renowned, NASA Consultant, Dr Peter Levine, this technique helps you immediately calm yourself in stressful situations.

Start by breathing deeply and allowing your breath to slow down.

Watch yourself breathe in and out slowly

As you do notice any tension in your body and begin to allow it to relax.

As you do this, place one hand on your forehead

Breathing deeply

And one hand on your heart region

Notice how as you breathe, deeply, in and out, in and out

How your shoulders start to relax

Now take the hand from your forehead and place it on your stomach region.

Breathing deeply

In and out

As you start to observe yourself calming down

Breathing steadily

And feeling more relaxed

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Tue, 04 Aug 2020 12:57:40 GMT

How to fill in a Non-Molestation Order for Court - FL401

If you need to protect yourself, and it is safe for you to do so, getting a non-molestation order may be the way you choose to go. To do this you will need to go to the family court under the Family Law Act 1996: Non-Molestation Order (often referred to as a 'Non-Mol').

With a non-molestation order you can do two things:

(1) A Non-Molestation Order - if you want someone to stop physically abusing you.

(2) An Occupation Order - if you need an abusive person to leave your home.

With emotions running high, it can feel daunting, but there is help out there. You may think it is better to speak to a solicitor - but solicitors are not always the best first port of call. They may be busy, not understand about narcissism and take their time. A non-molestation order may be required when time is of the essence - so always go to a charity, such as Woman's Aid: www.womansaid.org.uk or The National Centre for Domestic Violence: www.ncdc.org.uk who are not only specialised in the area, but can often help you within much shorter time-frames (and at less cost).

The other option is to go to a charity that will help you fill in the FL401 yourself. This is advicenow.org.uk.

These are the terms that you are going to want to understand and know about:

(1) Non-Molestation Order - This seeks to prohibit a person from carrying out certain actions e.g. threatening violence, approaching, damaging property.

(2) Occupation Order - This is occupation of a named property if you have legal/’home rights’ (through marriage) to occupy the house.

(3) Applicant - the person applying for the non-molestation order

(4) Respondent - Your alleged abuser

(4) With or Without Notice - Without notice means that the alleged abuser is not in attendance at court. This will only be possible if there is a significant risk of harm, where you may be deterred or prevented from pursuing an application if it is not made immediately or where the respondent is deliberately evading service. If you do not fulfil these criteria the application will be made with notice , which means that the respondent will need to attend the court also.

(5) Relationship to the Respondent E.g. Married, Civil Partnership, cohabiting, were cohabiting (living together as if they were married), intimate personal relationship (sexual relationship) which was of significant duration (duration is not defined).

(6) Types of harm: A non-molestation order may consider:

Physical harm

• Direct threats, physical abuse

• Threats to harm other people

Emotional harm

• This could be stalking

• Intimidating and harassing behavior

• How it has affected wellbeing

• Isolation

Financial harm

• This could include pressurised regarding money.

• Theft of goods

Reputational harm

• The courts would only be concerned with direct threats which are of such a degree to justify intervention by the court.

(7) Non-Molestation Order Terms that you can request are :

• Cannot use violence against you, nor instruct, encourage or in any way suggest that any other person should do so

• Cannot threaten violence against you, nor instruct, encourage or in any way suggest that any other person should do so

• Must not intimidate, harass or pester and must not instruct, encourage or in any way suggest that any other person should do so

• Must not damage, attempt to damage, tamper with or threaten to damage or tamper with any property owned by or in possession or control of [you] and must not instruct, encourage or in any way suggest that any other person should do so

• Must not go to, enter or attempt to enter [property] or any property where the respondent knows or believes [you] are living and must not go within 50 meters of the address.

(8) Duration - Routinely orders are made for a duration of one year.

(9) Occupation Order - Stating the address you want to occupy and why you are entitled to occupy the property and why the respondent is entitled to occupy.

(10) Interpreter at court - You have the option to ask for an interpreter at court and the language.

(11) Evidence - All accusations of abuse will need to be evidenced.

(12) Witness statement – Get help filling this in. This will need to state the facts. You can download a template from https://www.advicenow.org.uk/statement-injunction

A witness statement will have to include things like:

• Written in your own words in the first person e.g. ‘I’ statements

• State facts and specify the source of the information

• Relevant dates and times of incidents

• Supporting evidence e.g. from Police / Health workers / Hospital

• A timeline – chronological order of events

• Use numbered paragraphs

• Statement of Truth

(13) Service on the Respondent - You will need a process server (a person, separate to you) to serve the respondent personally with a copy of the application notice to make it valid.

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Mon, 03 Aug 2020 15:33:48 GMT

Why did a narcissist choose me?

It might surprise you to know that a narcissist often chooses someone with some of the nicest and virtuous personality traits. Some of them you would expect - kindness, empathy, selflessness and helpful. But some are more interesting, such as good at what they do, loyal and responsible.

The key is knowing how these personality traits can be manipulated for a narcissist's gain, pleasure or reward.

For example, someone loyal, responsible and who looks out for the best in people will overlook bad behaviour or excuse the behaviour for a while. Someone on the other hand who is good at what they do, is likely to evoke envy in a narcissist and they will actively enjoy the challenge of slowly undermining their victims* confidence.

This makes perfect sense, when you realise that a narcissist is only interested in their own needs both consciously and unconsciously. This means that these same virtuous personality traits can be more easily exploited. A narcissists true personality is cold and ruthless and they truly do not care about hurting and harming someone to get their own needs met. The cunning part is that they use charm, lies and a false personality facade to achieve this. By pretending to have the same ideals and similarities as their victim*, even if this involves blatant lying to find common ground, they can form quick emotional bonds. People are drawn to those who think, feel and have the same ideals and morals as them.

If for example someone has a lot of empathy, they feel genuine concern for other people’s pain and suffering. This means that a narcissist may be able to manipulate easily through guilt or by using lies to easily manipulate through sympathy. The trick is working out what the narcissist really wants. This is likely to be:

(1) What they can gain from you - money, status, wealth, popularity

(2) How easy you are to manipulate

(3) Your conscious and unconscious beliefs - some of which make you more vulnerable. But most of us do not know what those vulnerabilities are - see my post on schemas for more of an insight.

In conclusion a narcissist is a master manipulator and the sad fact is that good, honest people are an easy target for narcissists. But whilst emotionally devastating, it does not mean that it has to be so in the future.

Want to find out more? Why not take a look at my book The Practical Guide to Understanding, Leaving and Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse. Out May 2022.

* Victim - a person who is tricked or duped. Please use the word survivor or whatever terminology you choose.